clocks & pearls.
my betrayal leaves me indesicive once wrapped in kisses, I let you go
i believe in love, of course. but i also believe that there exists something more than a word, a feeling, a look, an action; something unexplainable and fully undeniable. i don’t think i would like a word for this thing beyond sense, because if there was someday it would be another overused meaningless overused word said that could never be said enough. Continue reading
i wrapped my freedom in silver flowers and topped it neatly with a bow thinking never twice of regretting letting go falling forward for a risk
enough. says enough,
my hands are too small
to hold your bruises anymore
brush the dark blue ink
across the wind of yesterdays sighs
so when oak trunks dance drunkly,
they cannot step into tomorrow’s joy
let them, if they howl across the rigid dark blue
knowing misery refuses to stand alone
i have mastered the science of making all the worst decisions and continuously watched everything invaluable dart beneath the nearest exit sign. but, if i thought of these decisions as regrets, i’d be incinerating everything of worth. so in my dumpster, buried within every worst decision, rests the rarest and most compelling treasure; the freedom to evolve and prosper.
[discovering peace in letting go]
concentrating on the sidewalks rushing beneath my feet
i watched as the static doused my reality with turpentine
-as if the clouds suddenly burst into fragrant fumes of loss
stinging each desperate breath, i swallowed hard,
hoping that the bitterness would devour any pain
releasing all regrets of what could have been
anchoring myself to the depths of the forgotten abyss
ceasing all chance at happiness and hopes of ahead
i found the roses carved between the cracks
[oh how the crimson branded tired grey eyes]
standing in between the sidewalks
i sunk into the sea of the hardest truths
tugging for the pavement – seemingly too tall to grasp
i melted within the waves of the crimson sea
and each soured drop of truth blanketed my simple soul,
diverting the sidewalk into freedom
i cannot laugh, for clocks have not yet faded
nor can i bathe in the unknown,
in fear of unmarked pages wearing thin;
instead i ponder crimson roses
finding beauty in their thorns
basking in the truth of roses
“It is far better to grasp the universe as it really is than to persist in delusion, however satisfying and reassuring.” – Dr. Carl Sagan
unrely on ignorant accusations,
for only they color poisonous thoughts with blissful fantasies and grand delusions
[stroked with delicate precision of ink tainted with heartaches blood]
marked unfit for those thriving nakedly under the truthful sun
and
deception, which can feed never on the freedom,
of those sincere in seeking all which cannot fade,
will touch you if you let it
even in the silence of the wilderness; thrive
i always thought happiness was unreachable, so deep into the cosmos i would never be able to catch a glimpse of it, but through circumstances that appeared to lead to but one outcome – heartache – i have instead found the unthinkable; happiness.
if you do not believe in happiness, how could I ever bring you joy
if you cannot bear the thought of loving yourself, how could you expect to find the love for loving me
if you will not sacrifice your lonely heart, why then, should i place mine within your hands
if you are unwilling to fight the good fight, I’m sorry love, you’ll never win
[how can a lonely boy ever expect to please a willing woman]
healing, is my heart, for part of it is with you.
although i could convince myself that backwards is somewhere i’d never go, one kiss could bring me to my knees.
hard, these times are,
he takes his innocent fingers to mold them around a tired heart
i can feel the pulsating symphony radiating from his finger tips
he steps back, forgetting to let go, taking my heart within his hands
tender is the pain- taking all that is left of me
i tether knots around the cosmos,
in the deepest corners, beneath the crevasses of the smallest suns,
in the vast supernovae beaming with glory
still every and each fashionable hope i tenderly laced between the threads of time
instantly disintegrates into shards of realization; sharp-the acid is
my drug
my fingers cannot tell the time
neither can the cosmos ponder childish hopes
fall is down what do we all after
“For small creatures such as we the vastness is bearable only through love.”-Carl Sagan
i saw a snail marching across the driest pavement
staring was all i could help but do
lost, i became, in the grace with which it left behind
a trail of iridescence
my presence neither feared nor hurried his march
for he knew only, not the end of the pavement
comfort, he finds in death; none but a machine finds pleasure in the foreverness of pavement.
i once fashioned this innocent game of connect the dots- a silly picture of my life and the way it would be. somehow, plans turned forgotten and every unplan decided to show up and make home within my life. the only flaw within my portrait stemmed from a simple misunderstanding and common misuse of one word followed by another, my life. attaching life to mine was something i never considered or questioned, but in the hardest of ways i have learned life is everything but something to call my own. we cannot plan our births and through unexplainable experience, the death i planned or suddenly decided on did not occur. accepting the idea surrounding my lack of control is still a struggle.
this is hard
sobering
and quite frankly, this fucking sucks.
but every breath we are undeservingly given will be one i try not to take for granted.
in the most beautiful of all ways, i almost missed the simple glory of her wings. somewhere, i was given breath enough to finally see. for this, nothing could replace my thankfulness.
Heroin Diaries 